Dear K

September 16, 2017

Dear K,

I miss you!

I love you. I love you so damn much!
I should've told you this million times before. I'm sorry I didn't.

Remember that cab ride back home when I couldn't go to your mom's birthday.
You asked me what we were?
I told you we weren't just hanging out.
I didn't tell you, we could be something more, we could've been lovers.
Our love wasn't some chessy kind, neither some adventurous starry eyed
surprised kind, nor a sweet high school romance or dreaming forever kind.
It was just 'you & me' and 'me & you.'

My therapist once asked me, "what if you met a man who actually loves you?"
That November morning when you talked about inspiration to leave everything
behind you and go for that one thing that you've been pushing aside your
whole life.
Willing to leave a mark behind in the world & write even a possible half
sentence before you die.
I looked over you & your eyes made me feel something in my heart.
You touched me with love & care, I haven't been touched like that in years.

The 9yo is going to a foster home next week. When I went to see her, she
slapped me hardly without speaking anything. Then we walked to the park. I
really hope she'll understand.

"Everyone you love is going to leave you."
Dammit! I know this up here(in my brain) but not in here(my heart).
It is just all kind of messed up. I'm too afraid. Too afraid with the idea
of you leaving me that i cannot accept us.

That night when I did something horrible & you decided to leave. We were
screaming on the top of our voices in the middle of an empty street. I was
running barefoot after you & crying.
We've been at our most vulnerable with each other.

After that night, I stayed on my bed for one week straight. My bed was the
best place available to keep me from failing on my knees. The barking dog's
sound kept me awake the whole night & traffic sound didn't let me sleep in
the morning.
We never noticed these things before, funny isn't it?
I tell you a little magpie also sings beautifully in the evenings.

Then the other night i tried to step out, they were playing my childhood
song in the pub.
Years ago, Papa was writing late with this same song over the radio.
I had a very bad breakdown there.

Okay! *exhales a deep breath*
We both have known, I'm a hard person to love, harder to keep.
But I tell you this with my hand over heart, trying to accept things as they
"Thank you!"

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Name :- Dipi Saru
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